This is an important piece on so many levels, but especially because you (rightfully) point out the human toll of the relentless commoditization of modern relationship structures and how it's basically this giant terrible machine that inflicts attachment trauma on people at a mass scale. I don't have the slightest idea what the solution is, but thank you for sharing. This was incredibly heartfelt and moving.
Wait... you left him behind so you could engage in leisure travel for months, and you thought this was going to lead to a serious relationship? It sounds like you were a lot more invested in *the idea of a relationship* than in actually having a relationship with this guy. Perhaps this is indicative of a larger pattern that's holding you back.
Yeah, I stopped trusting the narrative voice after that travel line. It is like we live in different realities, and I just can't understand or sympathize with the narrator.
I know you will find what you are looking for. This sounds cliche, but I hope you can focus on your own sense of self-worth. Not as some kind of strategy, but because I think it's there, but you don't see it. It is almost irresponsible for you not to cultivate it and recognize it. I know that rings as a very personal summons, but its in response to your own honesty, made in good faith. Again, I know you will find what you are looking for.
This is so so real, like my own feelings and thoughts spilled out. Numerous "almost" relationships in the dust. Then one did come along, and I dug in my nails to keep him from leaving - but he did, ultimately. Love this post.
Ahh - this is such a poignant articulation of how it feels to be a woman in the dating scene these days. Your lines, "Love just has to be idle for a while! I selfishly needed, on some level, for him to believe in love, so I could stop feeling so tempted by his ideology," stuck out most to me because I'm starting to agree. What's most comforting about that, though, is that one of my best friends had the same mentality at the beginning of the year. Soon after, she met her boyfriend who she is deeply in love with. She was brazen from the start, so I guess coming off strong really is the secret recipe for success. Great read!
If I was seeing a woman who told me she’d be travelling for months, that would be the end of it. Being someone’s girlfriend and wanting to solo travel away from it all are incongruent with each other. This whole “act like and single girl” but “want a boyfriend” culture is disconnected from reality. If you wanted to travel without your partner, he’s not the right partner.
Just another silly woman mistaking sex for commitment? Darlings, a real gentleman wants to adore you and be with you forever and is happy to have babies with you till you are both looking for grandchildren.
Are we the same person? 😭 I’ve never had a boyfriend but had pseudo relationships that ended in heartbreak because they couldn’t commit but they go off and commit to someone else so easily. I’m also over hearing people say focus on yourself, it’ll happen when you least expect it, don’t be desperate blah blah blah. It feels impossible but similar to you I’m determined to find a man who’ll tick my important boxes and commit to me. Of course this won’t be easy but at least I’ll die having tried. I hope it works out for the both of us ❤️
Thank you for sharing this and being so vulnerable. I completely understand being on the edge of giving up with finding a partner. After my last relationship, I hit that mark. I completely focused on myself for 2 years and had some empty flings. When an old friend popped back up in my life, I was suddenly ready and jumped right in. I never thought I'd be where I am now but for me "giving up" was more like, PTO. I gave it all a rest and the relief from the pressure of finding my partner helped me recenter. I was able to tell what I wanted and needed to sift through the people that were flaky and unsure. You deserve to receive the work you put into relationships. For me, being upfront as soon as I knew I wanted to be with my current partner is what helped me feel stable instead of floating around, waiting for them to tell me what they wanted, hoping we were on the same page. Take your time. Recognize the signs you've learned from these experiences. Give yourself credit along the way for being dedicated, passionate, and a loyal lover. It's all preparation for your forever. ❤️
This is an important piece on so many levels, but especially because you (rightfully) point out the human toll of the relentless commoditization of modern relationship structures and how it's basically this giant terrible machine that inflicts attachment trauma on people at a mass scale. I don't have the slightest idea what the solution is, but thank you for sharing. This was incredibly heartfelt and moving.
how do I restack a comment
This was a rollercoaster, and I feel for you — just restacked with an open letter because it was all too much for a comment <33
Wait... you left him behind so you could engage in leisure travel for months, and you thought this was going to lead to a serious relationship? It sounds like you were a lot more invested in *the idea of a relationship* than in actually having a relationship with this guy. Perhaps this is indicative of a larger pattern that's holding you back.
Yeah, I stopped trusting the narrative voice after that travel line. It is like we live in different realities, and I just can't understand or sympathize with the narrator.
Thanks for everyone who read and loved this piece. Here's my update: https://crystalxduan.substack.com/p/sorry-im-a-femcel-guys
I know you will find what you are looking for. This sounds cliche, but I hope you can focus on your own sense of self-worth. Not as some kind of strategy, but because I think it's there, but you don't see it. It is almost irresponsible for you not to cultivate it and recognize it. I know that rings as a very personal summons, but its in response to your own honesty, made in good faith. Again, I know you will find what you are looking for.
This is so so real, like my own feelings and thoughts spilled out. Numerous "almost" relationships in the dust. Then one did come along, and I dug in my nails to keep him from leaving - but he did, ultimately. Love this post.
Damn. I’m so glad you wrote this but I’m also sorry you feel this way. This piece resonates a lot. Especially this part:
> The plausible deniability of it all is, even if I wanted to, I don’t believe you can ever truly just give up.
I hope you find love! I understand your frustration, I think
Ahh - this is such a poignant articulation of how it feels to be a woman in the dating scene these days. Your lines, "Love just has to be idle for a while! I selfishly needed, on some level, for him to believe in love, so I could stop feeling so tempted by his ideology," stuck out most to me because I'm starting to agree. What's most comforting about that, though, is that one of my best friends had the same mentality at the beginning of the year. Soon after, she met her boyfriend who she is deeply in love with. She was brazen from the start, so I guess coming off strong really is the secret recipe for success. Great read!
If I was seeing a woman who told me she’d be travelling for months, that would be the end of it. Being someone’s girlfriend and wanting to solo travel away from it all are incongruent with each other. This whole “act like and single girl” but “want a boyfriend” culture is disconnected from reality. If you wanted to travel without your partner, he’s not the right partner.
So 80% of your romantic entanglements are rebounds? Yikes.
I’m wishing and hoping and manifesting a boyfriend for you. If anyone deserves one, you do! I mean, you can write!
A Substack Friend who believes in you.
❤️
Just another silly woman mistaking sex for commitment? Darlings, a real gentleman wants to adore you and be with you forever and is happy to have babies with you till you are both looking for grandchildren.
Are we the same person? 😭 I’ve never had a boyfriend but had pseudo relationships that ended in heartbreak because they couldn’t commit but they go off and commit to someone else so easily. I’m also over hearing people say focus on yourself, it’ll happen when you least expect it, don’t be desperate blah blah blah. It feels impossible but similar to you I’m determined to find a man who’ll tick my important boxes and commit to me. Of course this won’t be easy but at least I’ll die having tried. I hope it works out for the both of us ❤️
Thank you for sharing this and being so vulnerable. I completely understand being on the edge of giving up with finding a partner. After my last relationship, I hit that mark. I completely focused on myself for 2 years and had some empty flings. When an old friend popped back up in my life, I was suddenly ready and jumped right in. I never thought I'd be where I am now but for me "giving up" was more like, PTO. I gave it all a rest and the relief from the pressure of finding my partner helped me recenter. I was able to tell what I wanted and needed to sift through the people that were flaky and unsure. You deserve to receive the work you put into relationships. For me, being upfront as soon as I knew I wanted to be with my current partner is what helped me feel stable instead of floating around, waiting for them to tell me what they wanted, hoping we were on the same page. Take your time. Recognize the signs you've learned from these experiences. Give yourself credit along the way for being dedicated, passionate, and a loyal lover. It's all preparation for your forever. ❤️
Deeply relatable! Thanks for sharing such a complicated feeling in such clear writing