This is an important piece on so many levels, but especially because you (rightfully) point out the human toll of the relentless commoditization of modern relationship structures and how it's basically this giant terrible machine that inflicts attachment trauma on people at a mass scale. I don't have the slightest idea what the solution is, but thank you for sharing. This was incredibly heartfelt and moving.
I know you will find what you are looking for. This sounds cliche, but I hope you can focus on your own sense of self-worth. Not as some kind of strategy, but because I think it's there, but you don't see it. It is almost irresponsible for you not to cultivate it and recognize it. I know that rings as a very personal summons, but its in response to your own honesty, made in good faith. Again, I know you will find what you are looking for.
This is so so real, like my own feelings and thoughts spilled out. Numerous "almost" relationships in the dust. Then one did come along, and I dug in my nails to keep him from leaving - but he did, ultimately. Love this post.
Wait... you left him behind so you could engage in leisure travel for months, and you thought this was going to lead to a serious relationship? It sounds like you were a lot more invested in *the idea of a relationship* than in actually having a relationship with this guy. Perhaps this is indicative of a larger pattern that's holding you back.
Ahh - this is such a poignant articulation of how it feels to be a woman in the dating scene these days. Your lines, "Love just has to be idle for a while! I selfishly needed, on some level, for him to believe in love, so I could stop feeling so tempted by his ideology," stuck out most to me because I'm starting to agree. What's most comforting about that, though, is that one of my best friends had the same mentality at the beginning of the year. Soon after, she met her boyfriend who she is deeply in love with. She was brazen from the start, so I guess coming off strong really is the secret recipe for success. Great read!
LOVED and related to every aspect of this. This part especially:
“I’m going to be the girl who’s too much in the beginning. “I like you, and I want a boyfriend. If you don’t want to be my boyfriend, I’m too attracted to you to be just your friend, so I’ll need to stop seeing you now.””
I hate that you went through the trauma that led you to this state of radical honestly, but I believe that if everyone practiced this level of sheer transparency about who they are and what they want, then we’d all be better off. We’d all be better lovers, and we’d all BE lovers.
>I’m going to be the girl who’s too much in the beginning. “I like you, and I want a boyfriend. If you don’t want to be my boyfriend, I’m too attracted to you to be just your friend, so I’ll need to stop seeing you now.”
This sounds like a good strategy. Or at least just cutting things off at 6 months if it isn't serious by then.
It seems like in these situations, the only thing you can do is work on yourself, whatever that entails (and maybe bargain harder, as above).
That's great, I'm glad to hear it! It's always interesting to look back on where we've been in the past and see things from a different perspective. And definitely inspiring to realize that you actually can make progress in the long-term, even if you feel stuck in the short term.
Any particular breakthroughs for you/things moved you forward? If you wrote a post about it you can point me towards that
This is an important piece on so many levels, but especially because you (rightfully) point out the human toll of the relentless commoditization of modern relationship structures and how it's basically this giant terrible machine that inflicts attachment trauma on people at a mass scale. I don't have the slightest idea what the solution is, but thank you for sharing. This was incredibly heartfelt and moving.
This was a rollercoaster, and I feel for you — just restacked with an open letter because it was all too much for a comment <33
I know you will find what you are looking for. This sounds cliche, but I hope you can focus on your own sense of self-worth. Not as some kind of strategy, but because I think it's there, but you don't see it. It is almost irresponsible for you not to cultivate it and recognize it. I know that rings as a very personal summons, but its in response to your own honesty, made in good faith. Again, I know you will find what you are looking for.
This is so so real, like my own feelings and thoughts spilled out. Numerous "almost" relationships in the dust. Then one did come along, and I dug in my nails to keep him from leaving - but he did, ultimately. Love this post.
Wait... you left him behind so you could engage in leisure travel for months, and you thought this was going to lead to a serious relationship? It sounds like you were a lot more invested in *the idea of a relationship* than in actually having a relationship with this guy. Perhaps this is indicative of a larger pattern that's holding you back.
Damn. I’m so glad you wrote this but I’m also sorry you feel this way. This piece resonates a lot. Especially this part:
> The plausible deniability of it all is, even if I wanted to, I don’t believe you can ever truly just give up.
I hope you find love! I understand your frustration, I think
Ahh - this is such a poignant articulation of how it feels to be a woman in the dating scene these days. Your lines, "Love just has to be idle for a while! I selfishly needed, on some level, for him to believe in love, so I could stop feeling so tempted by his ideology," stuck out most to me because I'm starting to agree. What's most comforting about that, though, is that one of my best friends had the same mentality at the beginning of the year. Soon after, she met her boyfriend who she is deeply in love with. She was brazen from the start, so I guess coming off strong really is the secret recipe for success. Great read!
I’m wishing and hoping and manifesting a boyfriend for you. If anyone deserves one, you do! I mean, you can write!
A Substack Friend who believes in you.
❤️
I know women hate this question, but looks wise are these guys you’re pursuing above your league or in the same league?
Men do have lower standards for casual sex and flings and this confuses women a lot.
Also, are these guys White or Asian?
LOVED and related to every aspect of this. This part especially:
“I’m going to be the girl who’s too much in the beginning. “I like you, and I want a boyfriend. If you don’t want to be my boyfriend, I’m too attracted to you to be just your friend, so I’ll need to stop seeing you now.””
I hate that you went through the trauma that led you to this state of radical honestly, but I believe that if everyone practiced this level of sheer transparency about who they are and what they want, then we’d all be better off. We’d all be better lovers, and we’d all BE lovers.
Radical grief
So 80% of your romantic entanglements are rebounds? Yikes.
Damn girl, sorry to hear that.
>I’m going to be the girl who’s too much in the beginning. “I like you, and I want a boyfriend. If you don’t want to be my boyfriend, I’m too attracted to you to be just your friend, so I’ll need to stop seeing you now.”
This sounds like a good strategy. Or at least just cutting things off at 6 months if it isn't serious by then.
It seems like in these situations, the only thing you can do is work on yourself, whatever that entails (and maybe bargain harder, as above).
I found this guy's blog and it seems helpful - https://substack.com/@chrislakin
Releasing your psoas and hamstrings is helpful too
hahaha that's my colleague i'm p acquainted with, i'm actually helping him run one of his events in nyc on Tuesday! small world
i've grown a lot since this post and am in a happy place w my love life at the moment :) thank you for your support!
That's great, I'm glad to hear it! It's always interesting to look back on where we've been in the past and see things from a different perspective. And definitely inspiring to realize that you actually can make progress in the long-term, even if you feel stuck in the short term.
Any particular breakthroughs for you/things moved you forward? If you wrote a post about it you can point me towards that
this is painfully relatable
You should read Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I think you’d enjoy it