>the paradoxical anguish well up of sorriness for my plight, but also wanting her to not feel blamed, but also wanting her to be less sorry so I could be more mad at her
You were obviously the one actually in this situation, but I wanted to offer a possible reframe: maybe the woman wasn't guilted into giving you the food, but simply observed you were having a stressed-out day, and then you not getting to fully eat on top of that was only going to make it worse. Maybe she saw that she had the power to make your day a little bit brighter, and found joy in being able to bring you the food? :)
I also don't think you're a brat. It doesn't sound like you took your rage out on her in any appropriate way or bullied her into bringing you the food. Your emotional reaction actually sounds like a normal response to someone whose time schedule is overly pressured, as well as someone who wasn't getting their basic health needs met that day. I have similar emotional reactions like this in similar circumstances! I'm also not sure 30 minutes is not enough time to order and eat a meal, let alone build in enough time in if something goes wrong with the order. I don't know your work circumstances are, so there's no judgement, but I do hope there comes a time in your life where you are able to sit down, and fully enjoy and savor a meal 2-3x a day, temporarily putting all other worries aide to properly digest your food. We all deserve this!
So many layers to unpack here. Bravo!
>the paradoxical anguish well up of sorriness for my plight, but also wanting her to not feel blamed, but also wanting her to be less sorry so I could be more mad at her
so tru lol
Think your writing has really improved -- this piece was very fun, brava!
You were obviously the one actually in this situation, but I wanted to offer a possible reframe: maybe the woman wasn't guilted into giving you the food, but simply observed you were having a stressed-out day, and then you not getting to fully eat on top of that was only going to make it worse. Maybe she saw that she had the power to make your day a little bit brighter, and found joy in being able to bring you the food? :)
I also don't think you're a brat. It doesn't sound like you took your rage out on her in any appropriate way or bullied her into bringing you the food. Your emotional reaction actually sounds like a normal response to someone whose time schedule is overly pressured, as well as someone who wasn't getting their basic health needs met that day. I have similar emotional reactions like this in similar circumstances! I'm also not sure 30 minutes is not enough time to order and eat a meal, let alone build in enough time in if something goes wrong with the order. I don't know your work circumstances are, so there's no judgement, but I do hope there comes a time in your life where you are able to sit down, and fully enjoy and savor a meal 2-3x a day, temporarily putting all other worries aide to properly digest your food. We all deserve this!