writing blocks
the bell curve of needs blocks you from being able to write, at times
My output has severely dropped since I became gainfully unemployed for the last few months – I’ve been freelancing and doing odd jobs here and there, until I realized the striking thing that every time I wanted to sit down and write, even for fun, I felt this dreadful wall up against being able to do the proper critical thinking to explain virtually anything but my feelings.
In the midst of exercising the proper brainpower to 1. deal with the massive spike of childhood trauma that my Saturn Return has had me resolve 2. prioritize building social infrastructure that has supported me in lieu of being able to afford proper psychiatric care 3. use what little energy I have to coach, copywrite, and personal assist *so* I can pay rent when moving back to my parents’ home is not an option 4. figure out what I want to do as a more "proper” bridge career move since I definitely don’t want to go back to journalism or continue freelance copywriting 5. dream up a new idea of what I want to spend my life doing, which honestly is event production —
Everything I wanted to write has taken a backseat. It’s a really precarious, sad place to be where I have more to say than I’ve ever wanted to in my entire life, and know the shapes of what these essays would be, but don’t have the energy to sit down and properly unravel the depths of my mind because I’m coiled up in anxiety over where my next meal is going to come from.
It feels like an inverse block — where instead of not knowing how to speak what I want to, I literally am at the base of a mountain looking up, knowing my legs will definitely give out before I make it up even part of the way.
This makes me really sad, because I really want to connect with others on these ideas and devote the proper time and care to fleshing them out, but what’s interesting is this is so different than how I used to want to grind out essays so I could grow my following and prove to myself I wasn’t a failed writer. Now it’s more like I don’t have time to write properly to enjoy, and I’m less focused on what writing can “get me” (Even more reason for why I want to formally give it up as my main source of income, which it’s solidly been for 10 years now).
It’s great to observe my relationship to writing has changed, and I know this change and estrangement from it is really temporary. There have been so many times over the last 12 years of my blogging journey where I’ve felt humiliated when life got in the way of me being able to speak to life the insights I was collecting along the way, but I feel a sense of inner peace I haven’t in so long about my identity. I’m excited to talk more about it soon.
I appreciate those who’ve reached out to tell me how much they’ve enjoyed my essays that presently exist, and I appreciate that I still gained 100 subscribers in the last month even though I’ve barely said much of note.
I promise I’ll be back soon, once the financial hardship loosens up….
If you’ve enjoyed my writing and want to help out with the cause, I have recently opened a Ko-Fi and would appreciate any donations! I finally got a server job recently to make life easier, and I’m slowly making my way out of the flames of being in debt and such too. But any little bit helps in the meantime!